Have you ever wanted something in life, but didn't believe you deserved it? Did you blame your past experiences, or let your insecurities get in the way of your success?
When I didn't make the 1992 Olympic Gymnastic Team, I blamed myself for many years about the mistakes I had made that cost me a spot on the team, and I held on to the belief that I was a failure. My failure to make the team reinforced that I simply wasn't good enough, and I resented the time I had sacrificed to realize my Olympic dream. I carried the negative experiences and hurtful stories as an elite gymnast in a big fat heavy bag, cutting into my shoulders for years after I retired from the sport.
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In the beginning - 9 years old
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12 years after I retired from gymnastics, I asked my brother to transfer the archaic VHS video of my Olympic Trials onto an updated CD. When I watched my performance for the first time, after so many years of being away from the sport, it was like watching myself through a different lens. In the past I would watch my routines and be critical of every little mistake, or beat myself up for not performing as well as I know I could. However that day for the first time, I saw a talented little girl competing at the Olympic level and I noticed that I simply didn't believe in myself. My posture and body language spoke volumes about my mindset; I didn't believe I deserved a spot on the Olympic Team. I was unhappy and my sadness played out in my routines like a country song. As I watched, I realized in that moment that I had been holding onto a story about myself that wasn't true, and that story ultimately cost me my Olympic dream. I have since asked myself, what if I did believe in myself and my ability to make the Olympic team? Would I have prepared differently? Would I have performed differently? Would I have ended up with a different result?
I realized that the habits and attitudes that I created as a gymnast were playing out in all aspects of my life; my relationships, my career, even the choices I made were all suffering because of the baggage and mindset I was holding on to.
Motivational speaker and author Les Brown says, "you don't get in life what you want; you get in life what you are. You cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change." In that moment of realization, I understood that the only thing standing in my way of true happiness and success, was me. As long as I held onto my story of not being good enough, the more I would continue to stand in my own way. I had to change.
Since recognizing my self limiting beliefs I have been on a journey to discover true inner happiness. It has taken many years to re-wire my brain and create new habits and attitudes that now bring joy and contentment into my life.
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At retirement 1993
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My biggest life lesson from my gymnastics career is that it's important to have goals, even big goals like becoming an Olympian, but its the journey that I experience along the way to realizing those goals that matters most. No I didn't become an Olympian, but I can celebrate the success I had along the way to qualifying for Olympic Trials. I had unique experiences, I made great friends and I created a habit to live a healthy lifestyle. I would not have become a Massage Therapist without all the injuries I had, and I would not have become a Yoga Teacher, and certainty would not know what its like to live passionately. I am who I am because of my past experiences, and today, I am very proud of who I have become and grateful for all that I have.
I have learned from Les Brown that the things I want are always possible; it is just that the way to get them are not always apparent. The only real obstacle in my path to a fulfilling life is the story I chose to believe about myself, and that can be a considerable obstacle when I carry the baggage of insecurities and past experiences. What I found is that the key to my happiness is to forgive myself for my faults and mistakes, and move on.
I'm learning that as I travel towards a happier life, its best to leave the baggage behind. I deserve all that I have in life and all that I can dream of having; anything is possible with the right mindset. Moving on with gratitude, acceptance and forgiveness.
To the happy journey ahead,
ZenJen :-)
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